First Love Never Dies

My body knows what day it is tomorrow. How could it not when it’s about you?

I seldom dwell on memories of you or even look at your pictures

because then I remember how I treated you during your last days here –

how I cringed at the thought of seeing you so frail

and how I beat myself up of for feeling that way.

I regret not doing things I should’ve done – making long calls, buying the right gifts, showing I care. I overused my introvert card (I shouldn’t have).

The list could go on and on, Pop. 

We actually have different ways to deal with this… this love-sickness.

Mom’s starting to bake cakes now. I mean, she’s doing it again. I get to sell it at the office and people love her Banana Cinnamon Cupcakes and Carrot Cupcakes. She still a great baker. And her jokes are actually better now.

My brother, he’s far from home. He says his salary’s not that good but he’s learning a lot of things there. He can already decide by himself. He’s still a prankster – really a chip off your block. One difference between, you though – his jokes aren’t corny. (Sorry not sorry, pop).

One sister is already working as a teacher. Once, she got home, crying, because a parent asked her not to make her son write lots of notes. Her son’s not that good at writing and it hurts his hand. I can understand her frustration, my sister I mean. Like, it’s her first job and as a teacher, it’s her job to let her students know what their assignments are by letting them copy a  list of those on the board. How will her son improve his handwriting skills if he won’t write notes everyday? Ugh. And Pop, we still don’t get along well – me and this sister. We’re just too similar. And I envy her for being so… expressive. She does whatever she likes to do. She doesn’t overthink.

The youngest, she’s grown taller and she’s much more mature than me. She’s closer to mom and the other sister. I thought she’s quiet and shy  like me but she’s a school leader and she has lots of friends. She’s also quite talented – both in acads and extra curriculars. And her jokes are better than my brother’s (and yours).I wish I was this vocal with you when I could still be.

This is supposed to be a happy day, you know. You being not here anymore.

I should be happy because you’re not suffering anymore.

But here I am crying while writing this. Trying hard not to continue crying but I just can;t stop myself. (I can just tell my students that I have a bad cold. My eyes are puffy and my nose is red. I didn’t know it could get red. I guess I got fairer.)

I’m not sure if I’m living my life right – I really wasn’t since the time I graduated uni. I’m sure you noticed that. What I’m sure of is I’ve lived a long life already.

Aigoo. This is lengthy, Pop.

In short, I miss you. Never really got over the fact that you’re not with us – even after 4 years. Tell me if God really exists. I still pray and I do yoga just to get by and it’s working.

Don’t worry about us. We’re doing fine. We’ll get by.

Just be happy.

See you after this lifetime.

(I wish I could hug you. You will always be my first love. Until next time.)

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